[LynNie-fication]

Friday, September 08, 2006

.|.Absence.|.

..Purple roses..
[This pic is specially for Jo Anne who thinks purple roses look blue. So m'dear, bask in the purple-ness of it all. ]
PS: Thanks to Josh/ KL for the flowers.. *hugs*

Date: 9th September 2006
Music: Lips of an angel, Hinder [such an emo song]
Mood: Calm

Today is Saturday. Amazed that i'm even online? Yeah.. My busy Saturday isn't so packed today as Taekwondo got cancelled as the Soccerthon is going on in school. For non-Sea-parkians, the Soccerthon is like a Jogathon, as in, to raise funds for the school. Only, we aren't jogging. We're playing soc- erm.. futsal. Every class that collects RM1000 is therefore eligible to send a team to play futsal in school, to win the grand prize. (some World Cup 2006 goody pack- thing). So yes.. With my bro playing futsal and the computer being so conveniently unoccupied, i figured i'd just spend a few minutes here.

Went through a weird encounter yesterday. Was staying back for CF in school, and Josh was too. After lunch, thought we'd be going to Block C and hang around before CF / cell actually started. But as we exited the canteen, he was all "I'm going home to put my schhol books and take my BK notes so i can go for BK after CF. ", leaving me all "huh?" So in the end, i decided to walk with him, considering the fact that we had loads of "updates" of our lives to catch up on. So, was chatting all the way to the Tay-residence, then only did i notice that it would seem awkward if i just went in, right? I mean, there is definitely nothing between me and Josh, probably never will be, especially since he's been my pet-bro for what.. two years? But still. What if people (meaning his dad and whoever is home) "salah-faham"? His dad was home. Watching tv. I especially like the device, because it distracts people. So when Josh's dad was watching tv, (after i said hi to him), i was not given a weird look or something, considering the fact that i've never met the guy before, and i suddenly show up at his house. ANYWAY, Josh's dad is nice, was talking about exam stress and stuff, before Josh came down and we left. *phew*. Sorry if i'm being weird, but just not used to the entire "i suddenly show up at people's house"-thing.

Ah yes, and at prayer meeting, was reminded of priorities. I mean, when Pst. Hong Seng was talking about how the people mentioned in the book of Judges actually worshipped other Gods (after they had forsaken the Gods of their Grandfathers, Judges chapter 2), i was struck with realisation, in the sense that i can equate it with certain things that have been happening lately. Like how i can put so much emphasis, think so much about, work so hard on, have such strong feelings for some things. How they become practically the centre of my life. And everything else just revolves around that. God included. But really, things like that turn into idols, as it were. Things like that become the priority and- forgive me for saying this, but the GOD in my life. So i was reminded of how i should appreciate and not take for granted my First Love, God. As said, "because He first loved us". So yeah, was all reflective and stuff. Decided to change this minor/major detail in my life, and start living in a way that my big Daddy up there would be able to be proud of.

Well, exams begin on the 21st of September, so i'll be seriously be Away From Keyboard-ing.. Or so i hope, for the good of my stutdies. Hmm.. Yup yup.. BUT i will check back if anything interesting happens that is so post-worthy that i will succumb to the lure of the beautiful gleaming screen. (the computer la..)..

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. So therefore, i hope that when i'm absent due to the exam preparations (let's see how long i'll last away from the computer), when i'm back, you all will be so much fonder of me!! Okay.. Lameness... xD But gotta go now, have looads of mail to go through. Wish me luck. xD

And for everyone one else taking exams or are studying, i wish you all the best, don't stress, because you all know you're always in my prayers. Take care, darlings!!

Hugs and smiles,
~LynNie

9:15 PM Z

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Monday, September 04, 2006

.|.Over.|.

Date: 5th September
Music: Instigator, Kaci Brown
Mood: Better, basically happy.

Hurm.. About yesterday's post, it wasn't a hoax or anything, but as you can see, i'm better. The post i put up yesterday was out of total frustration and.. well, being tired. Very real anger and emo-ness, i'm sorry for the vulgar and foul language i used. I'm sure it shocked quite a few people. Sorry.. But by any rate, after the hell-ish six months, i guess, as it were, i've received a breakthrough. Yeah, *the person involved* and i kinda patched things up la. Thank God, at long last. To Ryan and anniesu, thanks for your care and concern. Many hugs and smiles for the people who help me go through all my crazee moments, especially through the past few months. Love you guys loads. And for everyone who has been keeping me in their prayers, thanks too! This kind of relief is one of those things you can't really put into words, except maybe.. *phew*. But yeah, glad it's over. Feeling really soppy and still a bit of super emo-hangover.. *Goes around hugging everyone.* Thanks again, and sorry for ever making any of you darlings worry. Take care! *hugs*

Lotsa love,
~LynNie

11:27 PM Z

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.|.Tired.|.

Date: 4th September
Music: Last Song, Gackt
Mood: Restless, unhappy, disturbed, irked, angry.. pissed off..sad. I don't know

*This person i'm talking about knows who he/she is.

Yes, i am. Tired. Very tired. I'm fed up, i'm sick of all this. It's been what.. six months since this started? How ironic.. Six months of illusional bliss, six months of happiness, six months of uncomparable friendship, followed by six moths of living hell. Yes, that's excatly what this is. Hell. Like being burnt over and over and over again. What is it that you want, you tell me? You said forget it. That we'd go on with our lives as they were. Then that i was a lying b**ch. That i couldn't get my facts straight. Then you don't hate me. Then some wounds run too deep. Then you miss me. Then forget it. Then asking me what i meant, how i can be so heartless. Then that i'm always blaming you even if i'm at fault. Then forget it again. In that exact order. You probably don't remember, but i do. That's the screwed up on and off things that happen between us. Screwed up and twisted. Like a wedgie up you ass. Stuck and irremovable.What more, painful. Believe me, it hurts. It f**king hurts. I want so much to hate you, to blame you for everything, to curse you all the way down to the pits of hell. Exactly like so many people tell me to. Exactly what would come naturally. But i don't. Do you know that? I'm as hurt and angry as you. I cry myself to sleep, i cry in the day, at night, anytime i'm alone, everytime i receive A STINKING SMS!!! If i don't care, why am i crying? I doubt you do. I doubt you eyes get swollen and puffy. I doubt you fall sick because of sadness. I doubt you wander around, lost and confused. I doubt you breakdown halfway while doing things just because some things remind you of what used to be. I doubt you even see what's in my eyes when i look away from you. I doubt you even CARE!! Yeah. Like "What the heck la, she's just some stupid girl who hurt me like hell and can only think of herself.". That's probably what goes through your head when you see me. "Oh, there goes one bloody stupid girl.". I doubt you really want to make things better. Because believe me, i accept you evertime you want to make things better. I take you back and am ready to care again. In fact, i'm so bloody stupid that i still do. I'm such a fool to still hope that things can go back to being normal. Like a little kid wishing she hadn't broken her favourite toy. Just looking at it. Because that's what i am around you. At least what i thought you were. Like a little kid. Always all happy and naive. To take everything you say seriously. To believe every lie. To be happy that you want things to be better. Then to totally cry when you say forget it. To be angry at my self for asking one simple question.

I doubt you really want to work things out. Because real friends- they take back their friends no matter what shit they put them through. Or vice versa. "A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight." So you're going to back off after the biggest fight? As it were, run away once faced with the biggest problems? You may say that you're sick of me always hurting you, fine. Fair enough. But bear in mind la, you're not the only one, okay? You're not the only one affected by this whole "no-talking" thing. You say i don't try to make things better, but i am. I give you the peace you want when you say "Forget it. Forget everything.".
Direct orders, wei. Any idiot would take that as "Back off, i hate you". So you tell me who's sending mixed messages? Tell me, who's the one who has NO IDEA of what he/she wants?? Give me a break. I know what i want. I want things to work out. If that's not possible, then to leave each other alone. As in, no random, erratic and at-the-spur-of-the-moment SMSes, posts on tagboard, nicknames. I'm clear of what i want. But are you? I know how to live no matter what the circumstances. I adapt. I have loads of people backing me up whenever i'm at my lowest. That kind of protection and love that can help even the stupidest girls start over again. So let me get this straight la. Despite how much i care for you, no matter how much i want this to work out, i can only take so much. I'm tired la. I'm fed up. So make your decision. And only contact me when you're sober. As it were. When you really know what you want, contact me. And there's no turning back this time, so think it over properly. Yes or no. You decide. If none, Then just LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

That's it.
~LynNie.

12:59 AM Z

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